I’ll never be loved again. That’s a lie.

TLDR; missed medications, withdrawal, new relationship

We’ve spent about 7 or 8 days together now and he still wants me.

I stayed up at his house for an extra 2 days for the sake of his doggy and me not wanting to make him drive that hour and back with his herniated discs.

That was a mistake.

I almost lost him. I almost called my crisis line, my dad. I cried, he stood back, raised his voice. Hurt so much. I couldn’t hear HIM.

Please stop yelling. He knows though. He says he’s OCD. He can’t be gentle when I’m suffering. Everything comes out wrong. Everything I hear is wrong. Am I being gaslighted or am I just too in withdrawal to trust anything I say or perceive.

I can’t hear him when he is yelling. He is frustrated. I’m frustrated. We didn’t sleep. It was my fault. I’m trying.

I told him about the radio game. It shows I want them to know and never question I want them to be heard and feel heard. It’s like the conch thing in Lord of the Flies. I can not interrupt. I cannot finish HIS thought. So he goes, I make some faces but I don’t interrupt. Then he says Over, and I go, and then I say Over.

He’s the closest thing I’ve EVER found to a complementary companion. I think I want him to be my person.

This 2 day withdrawal was foolish. I will carry my meds with me, I will NOT fuck this up. He has limits, so do I. Maybe only 2 days in a row for now (together), medicine on time same time every day. Then I can grow and get that quality bonding time we’re making work an hour away.

When he saw me cave into crisis mode, like most people in my life, he became attuned to me. Nobody deserves to suffer like this. It wasn’t him. He was hollering and making me feel bad but… now I remember. I used to have the same thing happen with my dad. One day, he wrote me a note. He said, when you hurt, I hurt, but his hurt comes out in anger, not softness which is what you need when you’re losing your mind, confused, triggered, panicked. Everybody left.

He’s getting his rest now. I’m getting mine.

He still wants me. πŸ₯ΊπŸ€§πŸ˜Š

Mental illnesses be damned I want to love Terry.

I’m not a red flag.
I just missed my meds.
Don’t abandon me like everyone else but my daddy.

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