I think I exhausted myself somehow painting at the class tonight, because I’m having a mood decline and there’s not much I can do about it except try some Klonopin I’ve stocked up on. Bipolar Disorder just takes you wherever the f it wants to. My body aches. It’s so intrusive.
I think one of the troubling aspects of Bipolar is wishing and wanting more order and the usual aspects of life to happen for you, too, instead of feeling so out of sync with the standard joys of life others have going on. Being alone and having to deal with it yourself is overwhelming.
The humility and hindsight gained from periods of recovery from the failures and stagnancy of substance abuse has provided me with the self-awareness to identify my triggers, no matter how subtle and seemingly innocuous. I know what’s going on inside my whole system and it can be humbling.
Resilience is an integral part of dealing with a mood disorder effectively. It takes practice and courage, and even some faith. The unpleasant symptoms encapsulate you without your permission, but treading through and making peace with the altered state will decrease its stranglehold.
Especially for Bipolar, alcohol is a very hard drug. In an unpleasant state, you want relief, but all alcohol does is fuel the fire, leaving you lonelier than you were before. In a manic state, it will pull you even further from reality. The support you need, you will not get.
I have to deal with the outside world and all its seemingly innocuous triggers. Loud, compacted crowds. Strange buzzes and rings you have no control over. Music you don’t vibe with. Frustration trying to complete a task to your own standards. Inability to delegate. Irritability.
Be kind to yourself. Leave the premises if you need to. This is the time to bring in the self-care. Not just as a prophylactic, but in the heat of the moment, as well. Your body and brain are screaming for help. Mastering self-awareness will help alleviate these troubling states.
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. 🎤
Your friendly, neighborhood manic depressive.