It’s been a while since I’ve written and I’ve decided to try again. I’m still lying in bed most, if not every, day, perusing the Internet, especially Redditesque stuff and true crime on YouTube. I haven’t been to therapy since last fall after reaching that impasse in development. I don’t see my family, besides my father, very often because I’m never in the mood.
After settling on the cocktail of Lamictal, Effexor, and Remeron (for sleep), my depression has lifted the most it’s ever been, though; I’m not crying, despondent, or having panic attacks, so there’s that.
I still don’t have any semblance of a sleep schedule. Ever since starting Effexor, I’ve been staying up even later, sometimes until after dawn, so that’s why I’ve been requiring Remeron; it usually only takes about an hour or so to help me sleep. The last psychiatrist appointment was the first time in years that I didn’t augment my medications, so something is going right.
I haven’t painted in a while, but that might just be due to not having a canvas at the moment. I was not listening to audiobooks or watching YouTube for a while there but I’ve gotten back into them and for that I’m grateful. Sometimes, if there’s enough that interests me, I’ll listen to an audiobook a day; I did that for a week straight recently.
I haven’t been attending AA lately but I have over a hundred days without drinking, and for that I’m grateful. I haven’t seen any of my friends in a while and I miss them. I’ve tried to contact them but for whatever reason nothing happens.
I binged watched To Catch a Predator because it’s still so funny. I also looked into the Chris Watts family murder and resolved that he’s a pathological liar and narcissist. I read the Ted Bundy book by Ann Rule and decided that she was a pretty good writer. It’s really sad to have learned how horribly her greedy sons treated her just prior to her death.
Here are some of the audiobooks I’ve listened to since February:
The Stranger Beside Me by Ann Rule
Hope: A Memoir of Survival in Cleveland by Amanda Berry and Gina DeJesus
The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence by Gavin de Becker
Finding Me: A Decade of Darkness, a Life Reclaimed by Michelle Knight
Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo (AMAZING!)
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel A. van der Kolk
Scared Selfless: My Journey from Abuse and Madness to Surviving and Thriving by Michelle Stevens
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers (a new all-time favorite; I loved it)
Mad in America: Bad Science, Bad Medicine, and the Enduring Mistreatment of the Mentally Ill by Robert Whitaker
Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland
No One Cares About Crazy People: The Chaos and Heartbreak of Mental Health in America by Ron Powers
Crazy: A Father’s Search Through America’s Mental Health Madness by Pete Earley
The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness by Elyn R. Saks
I’m Not Crazy Just Bipolar: A Memoir by Wendy K. Williamson
I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by Hannah Green (Joanne Greenberg)
Anyway, thought I’d let you know I’m still alive and breathing, if not perpetually horizontal.