Love letter to myself

Dear Carrie,

Thank you for the long, relaxing bath by candlelight and music; I know your anxiety was feeling overwhelming tonight. You’re so stressed after not working for 3 years, you doubt yourself and your natural initiative.

Thank you for putting in the time and money to renew your Pharmacy Tech license. I know you feel like it’s your only credential, but it’s a valuable one. You want to be in a field that helps people feel better. Thank you for finally mustering the courage to get yourself out there again. You are so strong.

Carrie, thank you for fighting your depression every single day. You are a true warrior, my friend. Depression hurts, it hurts badly, but you stayed. You stayed. And you’re so brave to be so vulnerable to share your struggles so that others know they’re not alone and that they may feel influenced to experience the benefit of outwardly expressing their emotions.

Thank you for taking your medicine every day. Thank you for always showing up to your psychiatrist appointments. Thank you for all the years of therapy; you are so brave. Thank you for advocating for mental illness and having empathy for any struggle one might go through. You are so caring. And you can be so sweet it takes others aback.

Thank you for having a soft heart in a hardened world. Thank you for your love of animals and your affectionate relationship with your kitties. Thank you for your earnest efforts at vegetarianism and veganism. I know you tried.

Dearest Carrie, thank you for keeping up with your hygiene, for washing your hair and lathering your body with soft soap. Thank you for living inside a heavier body than you’d like. You didn’t ask to be heavier; it was not your fault; it was medication you earnestly tried in order to make yourself feel better. And thank you for being your own advocate for your mental health. I especially thank you for voluntarily enduring a month’s worth of inpatient treatment because you never give up trying.

Thank you for being there for your friends. You are so loyal and reliable despite your depression. Thank you, too, for getting yourself out of the house when you just can’t take being alone anymore because Depression is all you can hear. Thank you for turning on your loved music to try to drown it out. Thank you for your paintings; they’re beautiful and so expressive. You are a piece of art.

Because of treatment, thank you for finally attempting to validate yourself and recognize all the work you have done. You used to give yourself so little credit for how strong you really are. This was validated in treatment; others told you you were strong and brave. Believe it every day. You are flawed but so lovable, anyway. Thank you for always trying; you hold onto hope and you actually have a lot more faith than you think you do.

So stay strong, sweet one. You are capable and you know how to self-soothe. You are in touch with your body and know how to provide it comfort. You remember how soothing it was when your Grun-Grun used to run her fingers through your hair at nap time when you were little. And how you loved to read and write; those gifts are noticed.

I love you and I forgive you for any of the times you were not so good to yourself. You have a purpose, you always have, and many have been touched by you. And, most importantly, thank you for staying away from alcohol for coming on 2 months now. You are worth more than that.

Love you through it all,

Carrie

One thought on “Love letter to myself

  1. Excellent! For me, I am the most important person in my life, and deserving of “my” love. Only then am I prepared to share my love with whom I choose. Forward.. Always. 👍

    Liked by 1 person

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